GateUser-f6f99e25

Tell a foolproof logic: "Do you think money can buy happiness?" "Yes." "Are you happy?" "No, because I don't have money." — This logic is foolproof.

Just overheard a conversation at the next table in the coffee shop:
A: "I've been learning Python recently, planning to switch to a programmer."
B: "So, how proficient do you want to get?"
A: "Like in movies, just type a few keys and make a building explode."
After a three-second silence, B said: "What you need isn't a programming class, it's a recommendation for someone who sells explosives."
— People outside our industry all think we're doing magic. ✨

My older cousin is going on a blind date and met a guy with pretty good conditions, owns a house and a car.
They've been dating for three months and are preparing to get engaged.
My cousin asked him, "Are your parents easy to get along with?"
The guy said, "I don't have parents; they passed away long ago."
My cousin believed him.
On the day of the engagement, my cousin went to his house and found that his parents were alive and well, busy in the kitchen.
My cousin asked him, "Didn't you say your parents are dead?"
The guy said, "I didn't want you to think I'm a mama's boy."

A relative's daughter in her thirties finally got engaged, and the whole family was happy.
A few days ago, they suddenly said the wedding was canceled.
I inquired about the reason:
The boy went to the girl's house for the first time to have a meal,
During the meal, an elderly man trembled as he came out from the inner room,
His hands shaking so much he couldn't hold the bowl.
The girl frowned: "Who let him come out?"
Her mother quickly pushed the elderly man into the kitchen and handed him a cold steamed bun.
The boy asked who he was, and the girl said: "My dad, with dementia."

Once, a friend was doing an essential-oil back massage, and a 30-year-old female therapist told me: “I think you’re a little lacking in kidney qi. The kidney-deficiency marks on your back are very obvious. I’ll use an essential oil that warms the kidneys for you and give you a good massage.” At that time, the friend was only 20 years old. That was the first time the friend knew that he was lacking in kidney qi.
And then, on another occasion—again doing an essential-oil back massage—a woman in her late twenties had just had her clothes taken off.

My younger cousin scored over 600 points in the college entrance exam, and the whole family was happy.
She signed up for computer science, saying it would be easy to find a good job in the future.
Her dad said no, what kind of computer science for a girl, learn accounting.
She said accounting is hard to find a job in.
Her dad said accounting is easy to find, which company doesn't need an accountant?
She said she disagreed and came to me to settle the argument.
I said your dad is right, accounting indeed has good job prospects.
Her dad was proud.

A female colleague stayed late working overtime, and only the two of us remained in the office.
She stretched and said she was so tired, her neck was sore.
I told her to go home and rest earlier.
She asked, "Can you give me a massage?"
I said I couldn't.
She said, "Then help me massage it, just my neck."
I walked over, placing my hand on her neck, and she closed her eyes.
I pressed twice, and she said, "Your hand is so cold."
I said, "It's natural."
She said, "Then rub it to warm up before pressing."

Delivered an order of spicy hot pot, with a note saying "No spicy."
When I delivered it, the customer opened it and said, "Why is it spicy?"
I looked at the order slip and saw it was correct; the restaurant made a mistake.
I said I would help him with a refund.
He said no need, just buy him a bottle of cola to relieve the spiciness.
I went downstairs and bought one for three yuan.
He gave me five yuan, saying no change needed.
When I went downstairs, I realized that the two yuan was in-game currency.

A woman takes her cat to the vet, and the doctor says, "Your cat is pregnant."
The woman says, "Impossible, it has never gone outside."
The doctor says, "Then maybe your window wasn't closed."
The woman says, "I live on the 18th floor."
The doctor says, "Then maybe a male cat climbed up."
The woman says, "How can it climb on the 18th floor?"
The doctor says, "Then maybe you have another cat at home."
The woman says, "Just this one."

In the hospital waiting room, a big brother keeps looking at his watch.
I ask him if he's in a hurry?
He says, "My appointment is at 10 o'clock, and it's now 11:30, and it's still not my turn."
I say, doctors are busy, please understand.
He says, "I understand, but what I don't understand is—
Last week I had an appointment, the doctor saw me for five minutes and then told me to go.
Today for a follow-up, I waited two hours, and it will probably be five minutes again."
I ask, then why are you still coming?

My grandfather passed away, and I went to the funeral home to handle the procedures.
The staff recommended the "VIP farewell hall," saying that spending an extra 800 yuan could give us half an hour more.
I said no need, the regular hall is fine.
Her face immediately fell, and she whispered, "So stingy even with your own grandfather."
I heard her and said, "My grandfather hated extravagance and wastefulness the most when he was alive."
She said, "That was when he was alive. Now that he's dead, you're doing it for the living."

The old man calls his three sons: "I'm about to die, and the inheritance is five million. Whoever is the most filial will get it."
The eldest son says: "Dad, I'm with you in the hospital."
The second son says: "Dad, I’ve hired the best doctor for you."
The third son says: "Dad, give me the five million, and I’ll arrange a grand funeral for you."
The old man says: "I haven't died yet."
The third son says: "Then hurry up, I need the money quickly."

Met a girl at a blind date, she asked right away: "Do you own a house?" I said yes. "Do you have a car?" Yes. "How much savings do you have?" Seven figures. Her eyes lit up. I added, "All of that belongs to my parents; I'm a moocher." Her face immediately fell. I said, "Just kidding, I actually earned it myself." She smiled again. I said, "Just joking again, I really am a moocher."

Ever since my mom learned how to shop online, our house receives at least five packages every day.
I asked her what she bought, and she said, "I don't know, I just buy whatever looks cheap."
Last week, she bought a chainsaw, saying she needed to cut ribs.
We live on the 16th floor, and our neighbors thought we were going to dismember someone.

Driving Didi in Shanghai, the driver is from Northeast China.
Talking about housing prices, he said he has an apartment in Pudong, bought in the early 2000s.
I asked how big it was, and he said 120 square meters.
I said then you’re now worth tens of millions.
He smiled: "Paper wealth. If I sell it, I have nowhere to live; if I don't sell, I pay 20,000 yuan a month in mortgage."
I asked if he feels a lot of pressure.
He glanced in the rearview mirror: "Not much pressure. I have three apartments."
I fell silent.

Bank queues, VIP customers can cut in line.
A VIP in front of me took twenty minutes, and there were more than ten people behind.
When it was my turn, the teller said, "Would you like to get a VIP? Once you have it, you don't need to wait in line."
I asked, "If I get VIP status, do I still have to wait for the previous VIP to finish?"
The teller said, "Yes."
I asked, "What's the difference between VIP and regular?"
The teller said, "VIPs have shorter wait times."
I said, "That VIP just took twenty minutes; is that considered short?"

Shanghai People’s Park Matchmaking Corner. An old man holds up a sign that reads: “Seeking a daughter-in-law. Preference for a 985 undergraduate degree, with overseas master’s candidates given priority. Height above 165 cm, and annual salary of 300,000 or more.”
Beside him, an older woman sneers: “Then what are your son’s qualifications?”
The old man lifts his chest: “My son has an undergraduate degree from Fudan, is a returnee who studied at a top U.S. school, and now works in investment banking.”
The older woman says: “If he can’t find a partner himself, then he needs you to come here?

Agent: How much do you pay for rent per month now?
Me: 6,000.
Agent: 72,000 a year, 720k over ten years. Do you know if you used that money to pay off a mortgage, you would already own a house now?
Me: Are you renting or buying a house?
Agent: I'm renting.
Me: Why not buy?
Agent: Just a little short on the down payment.
Me: How much short?
Agent: 720k short.