There is a very cruel but necessary truth to be spoken: not every adult has the ability to see children. It's not because they don't love children, but because their internal structure is not yet stable enough, mature enough, or broad enough to contain the complexity of another life. Many times, adults think they are educating children, but in fact, they are using children to soothe themselves.

The most critical question in education is: what kind of person truly has the ability to see children? To see:

The first key ability is internal stability. An adult whose inner world is long-term tense, anxious, worried, or even out of control cannot truly see others. Their nervous system is busy maintaining their own composure, their brain is managing their stress, and they simply have no extra space to understand the child. At this moment, every delay, cry, refusal, or silence from the child feels like a poke at their unhealed pain. They can only react instinctively and cannot truly see. Those who can see children share a common trait: they can distinguish whether it is the child's emotion or their own triggered emotion. An adult without emotional differentiation ability will equate every reaction of the child with a judgment of themselves. If the child is disobedient, they feel like they have failed. If the child refuses, they feel rejected. If the child is anxious, they feel burdened. If the child is silent, they feel alienated. In such a state, the adult is not seeing the child but themselves.

The second key ability is psychological space. People with narrow psychological space can only tolerate one emotion, one answer, one rhythm. When the child deviates slightly, they immediately become tense, criticize, or control. When the child fluctuates, they instantly correct, suppress, or demand because their inner world has no room to accommodate a self-forming child. Conversely, those with broad psychological space can remain calm amid the child's chaos, stay gentle in the child's emotions, and be patient with the child's testing. They allow the child's emotions to surface first, without rushing to handle or react. This is a sign of psychological maturity.

The third key is mentalization ability, which is the capacity to understand the child's behavior as what they are experiencing, rather than as a deliberate attack on oneself. A child's procrastination is an expression of anxiety; their defiance is a test of boundaries; their temper is an overflow of capacity; their non-cooperation is a struggle for autonomy. Only those who can see these internal drivers are truly capable of understanding the child, rather than misjudging the child's developmental process as problematic behavior.

The fourth key is a solid sense of self. Adults who need their worth to be proven by the child cannot truly see. They believe their child must excel for them to feel proud. The child must obey for them to feel authoritative. The child must succeed for them not to feel like a failure. This fragile self-structure makes it impossible for adults to withstand the child's genuine developmental pace. Those who can truly see children are people whose self-esteem comes from within, not from the child. They will not lose stability because of the child's emotions, nor deny themselves because of the child's behavior. This allows them to focus on the child rather than their own anxiety.

Finally, I want to say that seeing children is not a skill but a level of maturity. It is not something you can achieve just by learning methods, but by becoming the kind of person who can do it. However, this does not mean we can never do it. As long as you are willing to start with awareness, to pause for a second whenever your emotions are triggered, and to ask yourself each day during interactions, "What is the child experiencing right now?" you are already taking the first step toward becoming someone who can see.